


Breakdown

by SDBookFan



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, there isn't a proper tag yet for polyam sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 16:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12369618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SDBookFan/pseuds/SDBookFan
Summary: Anxiety sobbed, hands clutching desperately at his hair, trying to hold out against the litany of words assaulting his brain.





	Breakdown

**Author's Note:**

> So this is pretty angsty, and has a lot of self-hatred. Just a heads up

_You’ll fuck it up. You’ll fuck it up. You’ll fuck it up. You’ll fuck it up.You’ve fucked it up.You’ve fucked it up.You’ve fucked it up. You’vefuckeditup.You’vefuckeditup.You’vefuckedit upYou’vefucked itup.You’vefuckeditup._

Anxiety sobbed, hands clutching desperately at his hair, trying to hold out against the litany of words assaulting his brain.

But it was no use, he was consumed by it, he couldn’t make it stop, he couldn’t make it quiet, his brain was breaking, somebody _please_ -

He gasped for air, but his throat was too tight, and his chest felt as if something had been ripped out of it. He didn’t understand why this was happening. He had been fine, he had been okay. But then there had been one little crack, and then if felt like he was just screaming, screaming, screaming, and he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t make it stop. Make it stop!

Things had been going so well. He and the others had gotten together and they’d been happy. He’d been happy. And it had showed! Even Thomas had picked up on the difference.

That was what had led to this. Anxiety had been working more with his new boyfriends lately, developing ideas, offering and critiques and such. It was a good way to spend time with them. He’d enjoyed it actually. While the others still rolled their eyes at him when he got a little too sarcastic, they still welcomed his input.

So during the latest video, Thomas had congratulated him for work well done, saying he looked forward to seeing what he came up with in the future. That had caused the first bit of fear to creep into Anxiety’s brain.

What if he couldn’t measure up to these new expectations? What if he failed and disappointed everyone? What if he went back to being the same useless person he had always had been? What if he messed this up like he had every other good thing before it?

On edge, but trying desperately to conceal it. Anxiety had stayed quiet for the rest of the video, trying to shove down his doubts and fears as far as they would go. But they refused to be pushed away.

Determined not the burden the others, Anxiety had sank out as soon as felt he could get away with it. But unfortunately, the others had picked up that something was amiss and followed.

That was when Anxiety had once again proved that he was nothing more than an idiot who just couldn’t keep it together. Instead of doing something sensible, like shaking off his stupid, pointless worries and reassuring them, he’d lashed out, screaming at them that he was fine.

He had immediately realized what he had done, and fled, hiding away in the mindscape, but it was already too late. He had become a self-fufilled prophecy. So terrified of messing up the one actually good thing he had accomplished in his life, he’d gone and fucked it up in his panic. He was so fucking _worthless_.

He closed his eyes, and leaned his head back against the wall. And now he had probably scared the others. They were probably out there looking for him right now. And god, someone as screwed up as him had no right to demand their time or concern. He kept dragging them into his messes when they deserved so much more than that, and he only kept rewarding them with fear and pain.

He should have just kept his mouth shut.

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my tumblr at ec-sanderssides


End file.
